Listen up (How I Listen)
Readtime: 3 minutes
I hate to say it, but you’re probably a terrible listener.
Most people are.
Which is why we notice it so much more when someone is a great listener.
Poor listening skills hold most people back due to:
Misunderstandings: Because we overlook important details.
Damaged relationships: Because we can all sense when someone isn’t really listening to us.
Missed opportunities: Because we miss ideas and feedback that could benefit us.
But great listeners get ahead.
So, let’s find out how we can get this to work for us.
How most people listen
Most of us believe we’re good listeners.
But we tend to tune out when someone else is talking.
We think we’re catching the gist while we’re planning our next response.
Or we only tune in to parts of the conversation that interest us, or align with our own thinking.
Or, even worse, we just drift off into random thoughts.
This not only impacts our understanding but it also signals to the other person that we’re not interested in what they have to say.
I’ve found two highly effective, but hardly ever spoken about, ways to make listening your superpower.
You wouldn’t want to use them all the time (as it would be exhausting).
So save them for when it really matters.
Here they are:
1. Mental Repetition
Years ago, I started repeating to myself, in my head, what the other person is saying.
And it has three huge benefits:
You actually listen to each word the other person is saying.
The other person notices this, and feels heard.
You really understand them and so you can then contribute far more powerfully.
It’s impossible to think about or focus on anything else if you do this.
It’s a bit like the difference between skimming an article, and reading every word.
2. Active Mirroring
This is where you subtly copy the body language of the person you are listening to.
This helps you to better understand their emotions because our emotions and physical states are interconnected.
By mirroring someone else’s body language, you can tap into what they are feeling.
For example, if they are leaning forward and using expressive hand gestures, doing the same can help you feel their enthusiasm or urgency.
If it feels too conspicuous to do this, you can imagine yourself in their body language. This still helps you to feel their emotions, although the effect is a bit less intense.
A bonus benefit of this is that when people see their body language reflected, they feel a stronger connection and trust.
What are the benefits?
Do both of these and you will:
Build trust: When people notice that you’re really listening, they will trust and confide in you.
Improve relationships: People like you when you listen to them.
Make difficult conversations easier: Because it’s less about what you’re saying and more about them being heard.
In summary
Congratulations, you now know two powerful (and easy) ways to be a great listener:
Mental repetition – to stay fully focused on what they’re saying.
Active mirroring – to feel what they’re feeling.
On a personal note
I started using mental repetition and active mirroring many years ago when I wanted to build very strong relationships with senior clients I was working with at KPMG.
I caught up with one such CFO this week and he said that I was always focused on finding solutions (especially when it was me that had identified the problem in the first place!).
Much of how we found solutions involved me really listening to his thoughts and concerns, and using the depth of that information to come up with something that would work.
One quote to get you going
“The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.”
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That’s all for today.
See you in a couple of weeks,
Mostyn
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