The Four Overlooked Areas of Emotional Intelligence
Readtime: 4 minutes
Emotional Intelligence Drives Your Success
As a high performer, you’ve probably already mastered emotional intelligence.
However, there are four key concepts that you may be overlooking.
Not mastering these will significantly limit where you go next.
In this article, I’ll share the four key concepts so you can get ahead of the competition and truly master emotional intelligence.
Let’s dive in.
1. Intention vs. impact
You are the expert on your intention and everyone around you is the expert on your impact.
What you intended to have people think and understand, and what they actually thought and understood are often two very different things.
You may think particular thoughts, but your thoughts may not always align with your actions.
And while your intentions may be clear to you, others only observe your behaviours, and make judgments about you based on those observations.
Richard Bandler and John Grinder (the founders of neuro-linguistic programming) said: "The meaning of your communication is the response you get."
To master this we need to:
Know that what we think, say and do will not be completely understood by others.
Ask what they actually understood and took away from our communication.
A helpful tip for leaders who have just finished a presentation and are about to do Q&A: Before you do the Q&A, ask a couple of members of the audience to tell you what their key takeaways are. Pro tip: tell the audience at the start that you will be doing this.
2. Don’t assume malice
Hanlon's Razor is a principle that suggests that we should not attribute to malice that which can be explained by incompetence or ignorance.
In other words, when we encounter negative or harmful behaviour, we should first consider the possibility that it was the result of a mistake or lack of knowledge, rather than assuming that the person acted intentionally or with ill will.
Hanlon's Razor can also be extended to situations where people seem to be unresponsive or dismissive.
For instance, if someone gives a very brief reply to an email or says no to a request, instead of assuming that they are intentionally ignoring or rejecting you, consider that they might just be busy.
This principle can be particularly useful in professional environments where people may be juggling multiple tasks and responsibilities.
By being mindful of Hanlon's Razor we can avoid jumping to conclusions about others' intentions. This can lead to better communication, more positive relationships, and ultimately better outcomes.
Thinking this way can also help us feel better about being rejected.
3. Ambiguity causes negativity
We need to be careful in our communication, not to be ambiguous, as the default response from people is to fill in the gaps with negativity. People assume the worst from what is not said.
The American psychologist, Daniel Goleman, popularised emotional intelligence. In his book, ‘Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ’, he says:
"One of the reasons people interpret ambiguity negatively is because our brains are wired to scan for potential threats in our environment; this 'negativity bias' helps us to avoid danger and survive."
We also need to be careful in our interpretation of what others have left out of their communication with us.
For example, if someone is being vague with us when giving us an explanation, we are likely to assume that the details left out are things that we wouldn’t like.
Here are two examples of how this issue can manifest in the workplace:
Performance evaluations: Ambiguous feedback may lead employees to assume omitted details are negative. For instance, if the manager only mentions that the employee "did a good job", without specifying any accomplishments, the employee may think the manager is downplaying any real achievements or that they are not truly valued.
Project updates: Unclear messages about progress can cause confusion and negative assumptions. For example, if a team member states that they have "encountered some issues" without elaborating, people might fear that the project is off track or facing significant obstacles.
By being aware that ambiguity causes negativity, we can help ensure that our own communications don’t contain significant gaps, and we can develop a more balanced approach to interpreting the information we receive from others.
4. Assume generous explanations of behaviour
The best relationships are where each person assumes the most generous explanation of why the other person does something.
In ‘Radical Candor: Be a Kickass Boss Without Losing Your Humanity’ Kim Scott says:
“To build strong, trusting relationships with your colleagues, you need to give them the benefit of the doubt. Assume that they are coming from a good place and that their intentions are honourable."
Here are two examples of how this issue can manifest in the workplace:
A colleague who consistently arrives late to meetings or struggles to meet deadlines may not be disorganised or uncommitted, but could be juggling too many responsibilities, or facing personal challenges outside of work.
A co-worker might express themselves in a way that you find confusing. Rather than assuming they don’t know what they are talking about, consider that they may just be having difficulty articulating their thoughts for the first time.
Note that assuming the most generous explanation doesn't mean ignoring problematic behaviour or failing to address issues. Rather, it means approaching relationships with a mindset of collaboration and mutual respect, and seeking to understand the other person's perspective before jumping to conclusions.
Summary
Congratulations, you now know the four often overlooked concepts for mastering emotional intelligence:
• Your communication intentions are not necessarily your impact
• Don’t assume malice in what can be explained by incompetence or ignorance
• Ambiguity gaps are filled with negativity
• Assume the most generous explanations of behaviour
On a personal note
There’s a story I remind myself of time and time again from ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People’ by Stephen R. Covey.
In the story, a man is sitting on a subway train with his three children who are misbehaving and creating chaos. The other passengers are irritated and annoyed, wondering why the man isn't doing anything to control his children. Eventually, one passenger confronts the man, and asks him to control his kids.
In response, the man seems to wake up from his daze and apologises. He explains that they are coming from the hospital where his wife, the children’s mother, just passed away, and he doesn’t really know what to do.
I think of this frequently when faced with behaviour I don’t understand. It’s a great reminder that you never know what other people are dealing with, or what is behind their behaviour. And that most of the time people are probably doing what they think is best, or at least their best.
One quote to get you going
"We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their behaviour."
- Stephen M.R. Covey (the son of the Stephen Covey who wrote 7 Habits)
I would love to hear your thoughts. Please email me at coaching@mostynwilson.com.
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